Sexuality

'Sweet youth,
Tell me why, sad and sighing, dost thou rove
These pleasant realms? I pray thee tell me sooth,
What is thy name?' He said, 'My name is Love,'
Then straight the first did turn himself to me,
And cried, 'He lieth, for his name is Shame.
But I am Love, and I was wont to be
Alone in this fair garden, till he came
Unasked by night; I am true Love, I fill
The hearts of boy and girl with mutual flame.'
Then sighing said the other, 'Have thy will,
I am the Love that dare not speak its name.'

Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

Here you are: this troublesome topic again. Judging from the introduction page and its rainbow dividing lines, you might have known that I'm gay. Yes, I'm gay and I don't feel guilty about it. In society nowadays which suits heterosexual orientations, I sometimes feel confused, unable to reveal my full identity to all people I meet. I do come out to some of my friends, though, and I feel that the moment of revelation can bring me gaiety and relief. We're no longer living in the age of credulous puritanism and being gay is no longer considered as something to be ashamed of.

When did I first know about my sexuality? That's a tough question. It must have been inbred since I was born. I believe that partly it's genetic stuff and partly it's environmental stuff. Before I was born, my Mom had two sons already and she desperately wished to have a female baby to perfect her offspring collection. But things didn't turn out that way. I was born and, although I knew that she was a bit disappointed, she tried her best to bring me up as a man. Although I cannot live up to her expectations, she never feels she is let down. On the contrary, she's always there for me and becomes a source of strength and inspiration. She never hesitates to let me know that she loves me … dearly.

I have been educated in the all-male school for five years before entering university, the faculty of which women account for more than 90% of the students. I have been through fluctuations, changes and variations. My life has been adjusted and readjusted. Without love from my parents and friends, I don't think I could survive such dramatic period with ease.

Being gay in my country (Thailand), I find it quite difficult to tell whether I have had hard times living my life. It all depends. I favour straight-acting behaviour and lifestyle: I go out and hang around with straight friends sometimes and I don't feel barriers.They are quite understanding. But I think I'm fairly lucky, making friends with good people. Being gay for me, therefore, means that you are like an ordinary man, except that you are attracted to people of the same sex.

For people struggling with their homosexuality or trying to keep it in hiding, the only thing I can suggest here is that, first of all, you have to adopt the 'right' attitude. There's nothing wrong being gay. You don't have to change but all your friends and family have to understand and accept your sexuality. You ought to have a positive attitude of yourself. Be proud and assert yourself!

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